Twelve Days of Technology

By Bill Hancock

On the first day of Christmas, technology gave to me—

• A database with a broken b-tree (What the hell is a b-tree anyway?)

On the second day of Christmas, technology gave to me—

• Two transceiver failures (CRC errors? Collisions? What is going on?)
• And a database with a broken b-tree (Rebuild what? It’s a 10 GiB database!)

On the third day of Christmas, technology gave to me—

• Three French users (Who, of course, think they know everything)
• Two transceiver failures (Which are now spewing packets all over the net)
• And a database with a broken b-tree (Backup? What backup?)

On the fourth day of Christmas, technology gave to me—

• Four calls for support (Playing the same Christmas song over and over)
• Three French users (Why do they like to argue so much over trivial things?)
• Two transceiver failures (How the hell do I know which ones they are?)
• And a database with a broken b-tree (Pointer error? What’s a pointer error?)

On the fifth day of Christmas, technology gave to me—

• Five golden SCSI contacts (Of course they’re better than silver!)
• Four support calls (Ever notice how time stands still when on hold?)
• Three French users (No, we don’t have footpedals on PCs. Why do you ask?)
• Two transceiver failures (If I knew which ones were bad, I would know which ones to fix!)
• And a database with a broken b-tree (Not till next week? Are you nuts?!?!)

On the sixth day of Christmas, technology gave to me—

• Six games a-playing (On the production network, of course!)
• Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean “not terminated!”)
• Four support calls (No, don’t transfer me again—do you hear? Damn!)
• Three French users (No, you cannot scan in by putting the page to the screen…)
• Two transceiver failures (I can’t look at the LEDs—they’re in the ceiling!)
• And a database with a broken b-tree (Norway? That’s where this was written?)

On the seventh day of Christmas, technology gave to me—

• Seven license failures (Expired? When?)
• Six games a-playing (Please stop tying up the PBX to talk to each other!)
• Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean I need “wide” SCSI?)
• Four support calls (At least the Muzak is different this time…)
• Three French Users (Well, monsieur, there really isn’t an “any” key, but…)
• Two transceiver failures (SQE? What is that? If I knew I would set it myself!)
• And a database with a broken b-tree (No, I really need to talk to Lars—Now!)

On the eighth day of Christmas, technology gave to me—

• Eight modems dialing (Who bought these? They’re a security violation!)
• Seven license failures (How many weeks to get a license?)
• Six games a-playing (What do you mean one pixel per packet on updates?!?)
• Five golden SCSI contacts (Fast SCSI? It’s supposed to be fast, isn’t it?)
• Four support calls (I already told them that! Don’t transfer me back—damn!)
• Three French users (No, Ctrl-Alt-Del is not the proper way to end a program)
• Two transceiver failures (What do you mean “babbling transceiver”?)
• And a database with a broken b-tree (Does anyone speak English in Oslo?)

On the ninth day of Christmas, technology gave to me—

• Nine lady executives with attitude (She said do what with the servers?)
• Eight modems dialing (You’ve been downloading what!?)
• Seven license failures (We sent the payment two months ago!)
• Six games a-playing (How many people are doing this to the network?)
• Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean two have the same ID?)
• Four support calls (No, I am not at the console—I tried that already.)
• Three French users (No, only one floppy fits at a time. Why do you ask?)
• Two transceiver failures (Spare? What spare?)
• And a database with a broken b-tree (No, I am trying to find Lars! L, A, R, S!)

On the tenth day of Christmas, technology gave to me—

• Ten SNMP alerts flashing (What is that God-awful beeping?)
• Nine lady executives with attitude (No, it used to be a mens’ room? Why?)
• Eight modems dialing (What Internet provider? We don’t allow Internet here!)
• Seven license failures (SPA? Why are they calling us?)
• Six games a-playing (No, you don’t need a graphics accelerator for Lotus!)
• Five golden SCSI contacts (You mean I need another cable?)
• Four support calls (No, I never needed an account number before…)
• Three French users (When the PC sounds like a cat, it’s a head crash!)
• Two transceiver failures (Power connection? What power connection?)
• And a database with a broken b-tree (Restore what index pointers?)

On the eleventh day of Christmas, technology gave to me—

• Eleven boards a-frying (What is that terrible smell?)
• Ten SNMP alerts flashing (What’s an MIB, anyway? What’s an extension?)
• Nine lady executives with attitude (Mauve? Our computer room tiles in mauve?)
• Eight modems dialing (What do you mean you let your roommate dial-in?)
• Seven license failures (How many other illegal copies do we have?!)
• Six games a-playing (I told you—After hours!)
• Five golden SCSI contacts (If I knew what was wrong, I wouldn’t be calling!)
• Four support calls (Put me on hold again and I will slash your credit rating!)
• Three French users (Don’t hang your floppies with a magnet again!)
• Two transceiver failures (How should I know if the connector is bad?)
• And a database with a broken b-tree (I already did all of that!)

On the twelfth day of Christmas, technology gave to me—

• Twelve virtual pipe connections (There’s only supposed to be two!)
• Eleven boards a-frying (What’s a surge suppressor supposed to do, anyway?)
• Ten SNMP alerts flashing (From a distance, it does kinda look like Christmas lights.)
• Nine lady executives with attitude (What do you mean aerobics before backups?)
• Eight modems dialing (No, we never use them to connect during business hours.)
• Seven license failures (We’re all going to jail, I just know it.)
• Six games a-playing (No, no—my turn, my turn!)
• Five golden SCSI contacts (Great, just great! Now it won’t even boot!)
• Four support calls (I don’t have that package! How did I end up with you!)
• Three French users (I don’t care if it is sexy, no more nude screen backgrounds!)
• Two transceiver failures (Maybe we should switch to token ring…)
• And a database with a broken b-tree (No, operator… Oslo, Norway. We were just cut off…)